I saw mother killing santa claus
Assumed break and enter with nefarious cause
Awoken by heavy footsteps up on her floor
She'd been burgled before and wasn't taking any more
Knicking her TV and the box that gives her sky
Then down to cash Converters to fund the next high
She crept across the landing and then down the stairs
Quiet as a Christmas Mouse because her feet were bare
Stealthily she approach the figure who was otherwise occupied
Leaving all the lights off for an element of surprise
Almost right behind him she struck a blow with her trusty rolling pin
He dropped like a sack of Christmas coal with barely any din
She then turned on the lights so that the situation could be assessed
And took a little gasp when she saw how he was dressed
Clothed all and red except for a furry white trim
A detail she hadn't noticed when the lighting was still dim
Mother thought it quite odd, a thief in fancy dress
She looked from his feet to his head, now a bloody mess
But these are desperate times and people do desperate things
This jolly looking fellow must now be paying for his sins
She pondered briefly possible reasons for his misdemeanours
And also that the bloodstained white fur would need a trip to the dry cleaners
Then she heard some other noises up above as if on the roof
The jingling of bells and the stomp of cloven hoof
At the front door she drew back to the Bolts and opened it with her key
Took a few steps down the path to see what she could see
As Mother looked up Skywards her heart sank in dismay
On her roof were reindeer tethered to a sleigh
In the sleigh were many many brightly coloured sacks
Now mother was sorely regretting her earlier attack
She had no time for make believe, and father christmas too
There was an invader in her house what was she supposed to do
A grim realisation set in as she stood barefooted in the cold
There's a bloody great big problem inside that needed to be resolved
But mother was a particularly resourceful person
She'd fix this bloody mess of that you could be certain
She got the ladders from the garage along with a coil of rope
Climbed up to the Eaves lassoed the chimney and slid back down the slope
She went back In the house and grabbed his body now so still
Some brains and gore plopped onto the floor she felt a little ill
Eventually she got him out and tied a rope around his waist
Grabbed the other end and ascended with little haste
Rope and chimney like a pulley she hoisted him up bit by bit
She heard something splatter below and she swallowed back some sick
Finally he arrived at the roof mother had worked up quite a sweat
She lay back on the now bloody tiles and tried to catch her breath
But alas the reindeer were restless sensing something wrong
Santa claus had shat himself creating quite a pong
She had better Finish this grisly task and finish it with speed
The panicking reindeer offering encouragement she didn't really need
Puffing and grunting she edged Santa into his sleigh
Slapped the arse of The nearest reindeer to send them on their way
They magically ascended though their trajectory was hardly straight
She strongly suspected some present deliveries might be catastrophically late
She couldn't hang around to ponder though she needed to clean up downstairs
Cillit bang, Bleach and a mop for the blood brains and hair
Industriously she worked until there was not a single festive trace
No forensic indication that violence had taking place
Exhausted she collapsed into her chair thinking to herself
Why couldn't the daft old bugger have been visiting someone else
Perhaps it serves the old man right for being for being so stealthy and sly
If he had uttered some ho ho hos he wouldn't have had to die
She hadn't Believed in Santa Claus since she was about 4
But it turns out he was alive and real but he isn't anymore
I saw Mother killing Santa Claus it's true
And now there are no more presents coming for you you and you
Merry Christmas Everybody